This article is based on the public NotebookLM resource available at: https://notebooklm.google.com/notebook/505ee4b1-ad05-4673-a06b-1ec106c2b940

The journey through adolescence can often feel like a "roller coaster" for both teens and their parents. While often portrayed as a period of unmitigated disaster—filled with risky decisions, underdeveloped brains, and social media addiction—Jacqueline Nesi reminds us in her work at Technosapiens that science tells a more nuanced story. These years, roughly ages 10 to 20, are a unique period of growth, learning, and development, offering a profound opportunity for adults to help shape the individuals teens will become.

A Scientific Perspective on Adolescence

Nesi, drawing on the insights from the UCLA Center for the Developing Adolescent and the National Scientific Council on Adolescence, outlines six crucial areas teens need to thrive:

• Exploration & Risk Taking: Adolescent brain changes make risk-taking feel exciting, which is beneficial for learning new skills.
• Meaning & Purpose Through Contribution: As teens develop empathy, they become more capable of helping others, which fosters a sense of meaning.
• Decision Making & Emotional Regulation: Teens experience strong emotions. Learning to recognize and manage these feelings is vital for their emotional health and smart decision-making.
• Support from Parents & Other Caring Adults: Despite appearances, teens still profoundly need adults in their lives. Supportive relationships with parents, mentors, coaches, and teachers are key. Showing warmth, interest in their lives, and providing appropriate structure (rules, boundaries, and awareness of their activities) are essential.
• Developing Values, Goals, & Identity: This is a time when teens are actively figuring out "the kinds of people they want to be". Their identity is shaped by peers, family, community, and media.
• Respect & Social Status: Teen brains are highly attuned to social status and respect. Providing healthy avenues to gain respect through school or extracurriculars, and treating them as competent individuals whose opinions are valued, can be highly effective.

Common Assumptions About Digital Impact

It's tempting to pinpoint a single cause for complex issues, and in the digital age, social media often becomes the culprit for teen mental health struggles. Jacqueline Nesi acknowledges that there's a "very good chance (my current number is probably around 75%) that social media has contributed to the teen mental health crisis". However, she urges for a critical and nuanced examination of the data, emphasizing that "large-scale mental health crises are complex phenomena, that there are likely multiple causes".

Nesi highlights several factors that make her "less certain" about social media being the sole or definitive cause:

• Symptoms vs. Diagnoses: Many widely discussed datasets, such as the CDC's, measure self-reported symptoms of sadness or hopelessness, not clinical diagnoses of mental illness. Self-report measures can be subject to over-reporting, especially when teens are immersed in conversations about a mental health crisis.
• Suicide Rates: While suicide rates among 10-14-year-old girls have seen a significant percentage increase, Nesi points out that the raw numbers are "extremely small," making percentage changes tricky to interpret. For 15-19-year-old boys, suicide rates were actually higher in the late 80s/early 90s than they are today, and rates have increased across nearly all age groups, remaining higher in adults than teens.
• Gender Differences: It's not scientifically clear that social media impacts girls more negatively than boys. While some evidence points this way, Nesi cautions against assuming gendered impacts, noting that boys are also struggling, and mechanisms like sleep disruption or exposure to problematic content might not differ by gender. She warns against a "teen girls are in crisis" narrative that might lead to "gendered assumptions about what girls can and cannot handle" before the data is fully conclusive.
• Other Explanations: Nesi stresses the "availability heuristic," where social media easily comes to mind as the explanation, potentially overshadowing other significant factors. She lists alternative proposed explanations for rising mental health concerns, including the global financial crisis, rising income inequality, wars, school shootings, racial inequality, and the opioid epidemic. Nesi concludes that if we "fix this crisis entirely on social media, we’re going to be disappointed".

Furthermore, Nesi directly addresses the common assumption that screen time leads to "screen addiction" due to dopamine surges. She clarifies that dopamine is "not the 'feel-good chemical'" but rather "more about motivation than pleasure," prompting us to want to do something again. Dopamine is released during any pleasurable activity, not just screen use, including "eating, sleep, go shopping, see friends," or even "getting hugs". While problematic technology use does involve dopamine, Nesi asserts that "Just because dopamine is involved does not mean screens are dangerous or toxic. Dopamine is not a cause for panic. It’s just…how the brain works". She suggests that for most kids, dopamine's role in screen use isn't a concern as long as screens are used in moderation alongside other "rewarding" activities.

Effective Parenting Strategies in the Digital Age

Jacqueline Nesi champions authoritative parenting, defining it as a style characterized by high levels of both warmth and structure. This balance, she argues, is the "North Star" for effective parenting.

Warmth: Show You Care

Warmth means showing affection, support, and making it clear you love and accept your child. It involves having fun, listening, offering independence, and inviting them into conversations. Examples include:

• Dedicated one-on-one time: Even "just 10 minutes per day of special, one-on-one positive play time" can build trust and affection.
• Affectionate gestures: Hugs, kisses, saying "I love you," or even watching a favorite TV show together.
• Acknowledging their growth: For older kids, this might look like snack runs, movie nights, or co-created TikToks, or simply "telling your child one thing you love about them, or thanking them for something they’ve done".

Structure: Set the Rules

Structure involves having consistent, predictable limits, rules, and expectations. This means:

• Clear communication: Regularly and openly discussing rules and expectations, explaining your reasoning whenever possible.
• Consistency: Being as clear and consistent as possible with limits, for example, specifying "You can play Minecraft for 30 minutes on weekdays after you finish your homework, as long as it is before 8pm," rather than vague statements like "You can play Minecraft later".
• Flexibility and involvement: Being "firm but flexible" as kids get older, adjusting rules and even actively involving them in developing new ones.
• Differentiating rules: Recognizing the difference between "absolute no's" (e.g., playing with the stove) and "preferred no's" (e.g., annoying singing). Focus rules on the "absolute no's" and try to let go of the rest.

Consequences: Respond to Behavior Effectively

Nesi emphasizes the power of consequences, drawing on the principle of operant conditioning: behaviors followed by good consequences are more likely to happen, and those followed by bad consequences are less likely.

• Positive Reinforcement (adding something good to increase behavior): Praise specific desired behaviors. For example, "I love the way you put the iPad down so quickly and calmly when screen time was over!". If your child is honest about trouble online, praising their honesty ("Thanks for telling me about this–I’m proud of you for doing that") encourages future honesty.
• Negative Punishment (taking away something good to decrease behavior): For instance, if a child lies about online trouble, you might take away access to the problematic social media platform for a set time. Conversely, when a child screams and stomps their feet after screen time, ignoring it (withdrawing your attention) is a powerful negative punishment, as parental attention is "the ultimate positive consequence" for kids. Giving in to tantrums reinforces the unwanted behavior.

Everyday Strategies for Raising Kids in the Digital Age

Step 1: Handle Post-Screen Time Meltdowns with a Plan

🧪 Test and Adjust: Try different types of content and stopping points. Give a heads-up like, “Five more minutes.”

🗣️ Talk it Through: When calm, ask your child how it feels to stop screen time. Problem-solve together.

📋 Make a Clear Plan: Agree on how long they can use the screen or how many episodes they can watch.

⏱️ Choose the Right Time: Don’t jump into something demanding right after. Plan calming or physical activities instead.

🔁 Be Consistent: Stick to limits. Show empathy (“I know it’s hard”) while staying firm (“But it’s time to stop”).

⛔ Turn Off Autoplay: Use natural endings (like end of a show) as cues to stop.

⬇️ Cut Back If Needed: If meltdowns happen often, reduce screen time — especially if it replaces sleep or outdoor play.

Step 2: Set Healthy Smartphone and Social Media Boundaries

🛌 No Phones in Bedrooms at Night: Helps protect sleep.

🚫 Create Phone-Free Zones: Pick times or places (like dinner or car rides) to go screen-free.

🧾 Require Permission for Apps: Stay aware of what your child is using.

🧠 Teach Good Judgment: Talk about kindness online, safe sharing, and thinking before posting.

📱 Practice Digital Manners: Teach them to respond politely to messages.

Tip: Parental controls are like gates, not walls — use them as tools to guide and discuss, not to replace involvement.

Step 3: Encourage a Habit of Gratitude

🌱 Pick Activities That Inspire It: Involve kids in community service or faith-based groups.

💬 Talk About It Regularly: Ask open questions like “Why do you think she gave you that gift?” — without judgment.

👀 Be a Role Model: Show thankfulness in front of them. Say things like “I’m thankful for you because I love you so much.”

Step 4: Help Siblings Build a Strong Bond

🎲 Make Space for Fun: Encourage shared games or teach them how to invite each other to play.

🧠 Build Empathy: Ask them to consider how their sibling feels or what they might be thinking.

🌈 Support Emotional Control: Help them label feelings and use calming strategies like deep breaths.

🛑 Guide Conflict Resolution: Use a “stop, think, talk” method. Step in for serious teasing or violence.

👨‍👩‍👧 Model Good Behavior: Show kindness, set expectations (“No meanness”), and celebrate each other’s wins. Foster a “family first” mindset.

FAQ

Should I let my 12-year-old get a smartphone? A third of his friends already have one.

Deciding when to give your 12-year-old a phone can be tough — especially when about 30% of his friends already have one. According to psychologist Jacqueline Nesi, PhD, there's no perfect age. It depends on your child, your family, and your values. But outside pressure (like friends having phones) is real and hard to ignore. Nesi suggests waiting on a smartphone if you can.

Still, it’s worth knowing: by age 13, 95% of teens already have a smartphone — so your son is close to that age.

Nesi offers 4 helpful questions to guide your decision:

• Responsibility: Can he take care of a phone and use it respectfully?

• Rules: Will he follow your family’s rules (like no phone in the bedroom at night)?

• Risks: Does he understand online risks and know how to handle things like cyberbullying?

• Reasons: Why does he want a phone — for safety, friends, or just games?

What does "discipline" truly mean in a parenting context?

Effective discipline isn't just about punishment — it's about guidance. It means building strong relationships, setting clear rules, and responding thoughtfully to behavior.

Use consistent, age-appropriate rules, and involve older kids in setting them. Know the difference between serious misbehavior (like hitting) and minor annoyances.

Discipline works best when you understand what follows a behavior — rewards, consequences, or even silence — as these shape future actions.

Physical punishment, like spanking, doesn't work well and can lead to more aggression.

Instead, focus on structure, communication, and understanding what drives your child’s behavior.

What are intrusive thoughts, and how should individuals respond to them?

Intrusive thoughts are unwanted, often disturbing thoughts or images that pop into your mind unexpectedly. They can feel upsetting or out of character — like fears of causing harm or having inappropriate urges.

They’re very common, especially among new parents, and don’t mean you want to act on them.

The best way to handle them? Don’t engage — just notice the thought, name it as intrusive, and let it pass.

If these thoughts cause intense distress or come with a desire to act, it’s important to seek help from a mental health professional.

What does "evidence-based parenting" mean, and why is it important?

Evidence-based parenting means using a mix of science, personal experience, and your child’s needs to guide decisions.

Think of it like blending colors — not every part is equal, but together they create the full picture.

Research matters, but so does what you know about your child and what works for your family.

Sometimes, it just means doing your best with what you have — especially when it comes to meeting basic needs like food, sleep, and safety.